Hello, Oskar here. I want to talk to you again.
My human family members came up with something new to complicate my existence. ENTRAPMENT! Yes, you read right: they locked me up! Every day I have to live confined to a space of about 50 duck steps. Surrounded by high ivy, a dense shrubbery and a fence with climbing roses and other stuff. The ground is a dense lawn and I also have a pond of about one deep dive. On one of the sides is a wooden walkway from where I can watch what’s going on on the other side of the fence. OK, theoretically I’m not really missing anything. Except my company, which, of course, is shut out now.
Max, the dog, is now going in and out of the house with an always open door and I can not follow him anymore. No bites anymore, running under his belly, pull on his tail or just sticking my head in my feathers next to him. NOTHING! Why?? Because I have always sat on the kitchen steps and shit on them? I am a shit-er, so what? Or because Max and all other family members do not want to get loving bites? Someone explains that, please!
Now I practice flying over the fence and it works pretty well. My humans believe the fence is high enough not to let me out, but they are wrong. It won’t be easy to get me out of their life!
When Max comes out, I fly over the fence and run right under his belly. That’s where he can’t get me that easy. I annoy him a little bit with bites until he voluntarily goes back into the house. It’s fun and a little fun is needed in my life!
In the meantime I have already found out something much better. The two – Max and Mum – sit or lie most of the time in the study. I hear the radio, she clatters on the computer and Max snores loudly. So I quickly escape somewhere under the fence, run quickly through the open kitchen door and slip very quietly under the curtain into the kitchen.
I stand still, make a long neck and tighten my ears. I turn my head in all directions a couple of times, if anyone has heard me. Nothing! So I go very quiet – limp, limp – to the other door, drink briefly from Max’s water bowl without my usual loud smack and listen again. Now I’m really close to my goal!
A few more steps through the small vestibule, two or three quiet shits, and around the corner is my beloved object of annoyance: Max. I hear him snoring – my goodness, if the snoring would cut trees, there would be no trees in all of the country! No pee-tree for Max anymore!!
Well, I get ready, and then we start: I whirl around the corner, stand immediately in front of Max and … snap, I have his nose! Yeah, I did it! I bit his nose! The look that he has at the moment, you have to see! No one can look as stupid as Max, when he is pinched in the nose while he sleeps!
He starts barking a moment later, but until he understands what’s going on, I bite him again. Another bite on a paw and when he gets on his four legs, I’m already under his belly. What fun, now get me! The crap is that he often whirls his feet around so wildly trying to get me that the fool sometimes end up on one of my paddles. And sometimes he bites me without biting. Means he gets me into his jaws without closing them. He never ever hurts me!
The other day he stood on my wing! OMG, only a dog’s brain can be so stupid! A duck would never do that! But I have to be patient with my patchwork family members, humans, dogs or cats just do not have the IQ of a duck!
Anyway, I had my fun until our human catches me and brings me back outside. She does not like when the dog gets upset!
But most of the time I am in my enclosure … or until the next attack at least!
Yeah, that’s how I spend my time, so it’s not that bad in end. Sometimes I run after the sparrows. They are already in the morning with me, when I get finally my food. I have a few bites and then quickly tell my human, what I have dreamed last night and immediately the sparrows are there eating MY food. But now I defend it: if the sparrows come, I aim at them, head down and neck long (because of the aerodynamics!) And go! They are gone quickly. For the next few seconds. Then I can quickly swallow all I can, no matter what.
And I love to swim in my pond, dive in the water, shit in it as much as I want to and try to get out the stones around the side. My humans always put them back, so we have a lot of fun of pulling out and digging in stones during the day.
So, people, that’s it for now. Just wanted to tell you what they came up with. Now I put the beak under the wing and sleep a while. Sometimes I wonder why I had to be born a duck. Deep down in my heart I am a Buddhist and believe in rebirth. But I’m not sure if I’m one step higher or one step lower than my last life. Because of my intelligence, of course, on the higher one! Well .. I think about it and then tell you, what a conclusion I came.
To all a warm chatter-bye and: splash the water!